Monday, April 25, 2011

My Lenten Journey

On Wednesday, March 9th I set out on a Lenten Challenge.  Instead of giving something up for that time, I chose to make a choice to spend more time blogging about Jordan and this journey.  As a busy mom, this required me to let go of something else in order to find the time to blog.  I had initially thought I would blog daily...but quickly learned that it was not even a possibility in my crazy world!! 

I found that it was very healing to write through the experiences and feelings of this past 6 weeks.  It was actually hard sometimes to choose what to write about because there were several things going on at once!  I have some topics that I would still like to cover and reflect upon but never got to them.  I think this has helped me to see that I would like to try to blog more often...not once or twice a month.

But more than anything, I was encouraged and uplifted by the comments and responses from those of you who read my ramblings.  Several of the things I experienced over this past several weeks have been normal situations for me.  I travel this journey alone most of the time.  By putting these stories on Jordan's Blossom, I have allowed you to catch a glimpse of my world.  In turn, I have been blessed by your words.  Thank you!! 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Swallowing...and Scary Moments

Over the past few days, we have experienced several of our "scary moments" with Jordan.  The reality of our little girl is that she can't swallow.  It's hard to explain to others because at the same time she can swallow.  The best way to describe it is that she is unable to gather food together on the back of her tongue and forcefully push it down her esophagus.  Normally the food just drips down the back of her throat and eventually she realizes it is there and she has a weak swallow that pushes a portion of that food a little bit further down.

Unfortunately, she is also missing a neurological function called peristalsis.  This is the rippling effect that pushes your food from your esophagus into your stomach.  Jordan just doesn't have it.  We don't know why, it just makes it harder for her food to get where it needs to go.

Now, the description I just gave was based on pureed foods.  For those of you familiar to baby foods, stage 1 or 2.  Not yet to 3 where there are small chunks.  We are talking smooth...like applesauce, yogurt, etc.

However, moving on to solid forms of food has not been possible because Jordan has a tendency to chew but not swallow.  She, in fact, has a STRONG desire to chew!  It has always been a challenge for us to find safe chewing objects.  Many of you have seen her with a straw bent in half sticking out of her mouth.  Although we don't feel it is the safest thing for our daughter to run around with a straw in her mouth, the alternative is that she finds the smallest crumb, lint ball, paperclip, whatever...and puts it in her mouth.

We have gone through cycles with her putting things in her mouth.  Starting at around 1 1/2 she started recognizing that she enjoyed chewing and we tried using normal teethers and chew toys.  As she grew older, we noticed that she was finding things left around and it became a danger to her.  We have tried to be diligent about keeping small things put away.  My boys have learned to be very careful not to leave out small toys, Legos, nerf gun bullets, etc.  However, none of us are perfect...

Jordan spent the year of 2010 being NPO.  That means that she could not have anything by mouth.  We started the year with many struggles to keep things out of her mouth.  Anything she could find, she wanted in her mouth.  By summer, I couldn't let her outside without a watchful eye or she would be putting things in her mouth...sand, grass, sticks, rocks.

It was actually the final reason that we did not end up putting her into the ECSE classroom last fall.  The teacher was extremely concerned about her putting things in her mouth and didn't feel that we would be able to get her a 1-on-1 para pro to watch her.

Some of our major incidents over the years include swallowing a small decorators nail that she found inside of a drawer to an end table.  She had it in her mouth and I realized it and saw it - I laid her on her back and tried to sweep her mouth and it was gone!  After a trip to the ER and an x-ray, we saw the little nail at the top of her large intestine.  It eventually passed and everything was fine.  Praise God!!!

The next major episode was a time she was playing in Conner's room and I heard her start to gag.  I ran up and found her standing in the middle of the room with a mouthful of white paste!  I wasn't sure what it was until I saw a piece of sidewalk chalk on the floor next to her with teeth marks on it.  I ran her downstairs and held her upside down (I learned this after the nail incident) and swept her mouth repeatedly and then used a washcloth to clean it out.  During this process, I called 911.  She was still gagging but was starting to breathe normally as I spoke on the phone with the dispatcher.  We determined that she didn't need medical assistance but I was then referred to poison control to ensure that there were no risks with the chalk.  Again, she was fine in the end.  Praise God!!!

We have had many other incidents where she would put things in her mouth and we would sweep them out. This just became a reality of our life.

By fall, we saw a tremendous improvement!  I was actually able to let Jordan and Conner sit at the kitchen table playing playdoh and go in the kitchen to make lunch.  I know it seems like a small thing, but for me this was HUGE!!!  Although my eyes were still on her, I didn't have to sit by her side to do every activity.  I didn't have to be in the same room as her at all times.  I finally could let my little girl just play in our own home and not fear all the time.  What a relief!!!

This past January, we headed back to Mary Free Bed for another swallow study and ended up beginning a round of feeding therapy.  I think that opened up the floodgates!  Within the first week of therapy, Jordan took the cork hot pad off the table following dinner into her bedroom and took several bites out of it and started gagging on it.  (see pic below of what we pieced back together afterward.)  A 1/2 hour later she was on my bed eating a tube of chapstick that was on my nightstand.


We have had several incidents since then and they just keep coming!  Since this past Friday, she has gotten something every single day!  Friday, she got some pretzels that we had been snacking on while watching a movie during her naptime.  After she got up, she found the bag of pretzels!  Because Derrick and I were both here and she wasn't gagging, we actually took pics and video.

Saturday, she found a jelly bean that Conner dropped after doing a devotions with the different colors of jellybeans and a little Easter poem.  That time she started gagging.  On Sunday, she found an ice cube that had dropped on the floor and was licking it.  On Monday, she took an old tangerine out of the trash (I had just cleaned out the fridge) and took it out to the living room and took a bit out of it.

Yesterday, Conner had wanted a cookie but I wouldn't let him have one so I told him if he was hungry to go get an apple.  I was down in the basement at the time.  He went upstairs and got one out of the fridge, but also got the apple slicer out of the drawer.  He left them on the kitchen counter and went into Jordan's room to play with her.  At some point, he came down and Jordan found the apple and slicer and took them into her bedroom.  After a few minutes, Mak went to check on her, and found her in her room with several bites out of the apple and the slicer on the floor!  He brought her down to me and I got the apple out of her mouth.

I broke down.
I was so weary.
I was so scared.

How much more of this would it take before something would seriously get lodged and she would silently choke?

As much as I hate the sound of her gagging, it means she is still alive.  I fear the day that I don't hear that sound and in the silence, assume everything is okay.  I try every day to keep my home a safe environment for my children.  Unfortunately, I feel like it is an impossible task with a child like Jordan.  Everything is a risk because of her curiosity and strong desire to eat.  She doesn't even distinguish between food and non-food very well.  I feel like our own home isn't even safe for her.

Today, I am going to attempt to go through the house and find any risks and either collect them or write them down so we can secure them. We still have child locks...but only on some cabinets and drawers...and I think we need them on all that contain something she could get her hands on.  We have to create a safe environment, both for her safety and my sanity.

I sometimes long for the simple life.
Wonder what it would be like to not worry all the time.
Yearn for extra energy to face all of the situations that drain me every day. 

...and then crying, I look into the face of my beautiful daughter...and I know that my God and my Creator will help me to handle these situations.  He trusts me to care for her.  He gives me strength to face every day.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Why Moms of Special-Needs Kids ROCK!

A few weeks ago I picked up a magazine called "all you" for the awesome coupons that it has inside, but found a treasure better than savings.  There was an article called "Raising a child with special needs changed us for the better."  I put it aside because it was during the process of Jordan's "envelope" and I wasn't in the right mindset to read anything relating to Jordan.  This past weekend, I was sorting coupons and decided it was time to read it.

It amazed me that the author of the article has a blog that I had come across just a few weeks ago and knew that I wanted to check out a little more in the future.  It is lovethatmax.com - this section was in the article I read, but is quoted as being adapted from the blog.

Why moms of special-needs liks rock!
*Because we never thought that "doing it all" would mean doing this much.  But we do it all, and then some.
*Because we've discovered patience we never knew we had.
*Because we are willing to do something 10 times, 1,000 times if that's what it takes for our kids to learn something new.
*Because we have heard doctors tell us the worst, and we've refused to believe them.
*Because we have had bad days and breakdowns and bawl fests, then we pick ourselves up and keep right on going.
*Because we manage to get ourselves together and out the door looking pretty damn good.  Heck, we even make sweatpants look attractive.
*Because we are strong.  Who knew we could be this strong?
*Because we aren't just moms, wives, cleaners, chauffeurs, cooks and women who work.  We are also physical therapists, speech therapists, occupational therapists, teachers, nurses, researchers, coaches and cheerleaders.
*Because we give our kids endless love and still have so much love left for our other kids, our husbands, our family.
*Because we understand our kids better than anyone else does - even if they can't talk or gesture or look us in the eye.  We know.  We just know.
*Because we never stop pushing, or hoping, for our kids.
*Because just when it seems like things are going OK, they're suddenly not, but we deal.  We deal even when it seems like our heads or hearts might explode.
*Because when we look at our kids we just see great kids.  Not kids with cerebral palsy/autism/Down syndrome/whatever label.

This list helped me to realize how much Jordan has changed me.  I never realized that I could do what I have done over the past 4 years with her.  I always looked at moms who had special-needs kids and said to myself "I could never do that!"  Yet, God know I could.  He knew that I needed to grow.  Jordan is the tool He used to help me realize what I am capable of.

However, I do have days where I feel like I can't handle it.  I have days that I feel like I am failing her and my entire family.  I have days that I am weak and just want to quit.  But that is when He steps in and gives me what I need to move on.  He walks me through the challenges and stays by my side.  He guides me in the decisions and gives me strength.  The hardest part is recognizing that he is always there and will never leave me.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Words

Last week someone said something that I didn't really react to...but the next morning when I was telling Derrick the story, I broke down and started crying.  I wanted to run to this blog and post what happened.  Unfortunately, I was not willing to share who said it or what was said.  That makes for a rather boring blog post.

I have been processing through this comment, the way I interpreted it, and the intended meaning behind it (in my opinion.)  Mostly, it made me realize that I have a long way to go to truly accepting that not everyone views Jordan as I do. 

I see her potential, not her limitations. 
I see her strengths, not her weaknesses.
I see her beauty, not her imperfections.
I see her high-energy level, not a hyperactive child. 
I see her as a gift from God.

Not something I could have ever asked for, yet he gave her to me.
In doing so, God has shown me that He trusts me.
More than I often trust myself.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

OOPS!!

I was slightly confused last week after Jordan's feeding appointment on Tuesday.  I talked with Ellen at the session about realizing that Jordan was nearing the end of her scheduled appointments.  I asked her whether she thought we would continue therapy or take a break and continue what seems to be a safe method of pleasure feeding.  She told me that she thought we would take a break for 3-6 months since there isn't significant progress to move forward to getting her off her g-tube.

After returning home I didn't think much of it, but on Thursday I flipped my calendar to April to see what was coming up in the next week.  Since it was spring break things were a little different than our normal schedule, but I noticed that Jordan had no more therapy scheduled.  I remembered talking with the lady at Mary Free Bed when we scheduled Jordan for her therapy and I realized that Jordan had no more scheduled appointments!  I kinda freaked out because it seemed like there was no closure to her feeding therapy and yet I had no more appointments. 

I called Ellen on Thursday and left her a message explaining my confusion and asking if she could just let me know what she wanted me to do.  Should I wait 3 months to schedule more therapy...6 months?!?!?  I kind of rambled on the message because I was so shocked that all of a sudden I was faced with the end of this process that I was confused.

Since Ellen only works part-time, I was not surprised that I didn't hear back from her before the weekend.  I didn't hear back on Monday and by Tuesday I was very tempted to call again, but didn't want to seem like a crazy woman!  Finally, I heard back from her on Wednesday.  Apparently, she had been confused by my message as well and had some problems with hearing the message on her phone and was unsure exactly what I was talking about.  Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that Jordan has therapy scheduled through April 19!!!!  Yeah, I messed up!  When I didn't show for my Tuesday appointment, Ellen figured something was up and checked the message again and realized that I thought Jordan was done with feeding therapy. 

I felt like such a scattered woman!!  Jordan's therapy schedule is a major part of what my day to day schedule revolves around.  I try so hard to keep it organized and on track.  How in the world did I miss 3 weeks of scheduling?!?!? 

I apologized to Ellen and laughed at myself.  She told me that she was surprised because I have always been so on top of things and this was my first faux pos in 3 years!  I went back to the schedule I received in the mail from MFB when I scheduled her and it shows appointments through April 19.  I have no idea why I didn't put them in my calendar?!?!?  I look forward to having a few more weeks to tie up these questions in my head...and hope that I can get my act together and not forget appointments anymore!!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Finally started Compleat!!

Well, after waiting over a week for Meijer to get the Compleat in, they finally told me that they were out at their warehouse and didn't know when they would be getting it in.  This is not a problem now because we are using her Pediasure/Boost mixture...however, once we start the Compleat, we have exactly one month's worth of food that we can get every month.  Therefore, when our WIC resets for the new month and I go to get her food, I normally have no more than a day or so extra.  I cannot just wait until it comes in.  This is her only source of nutrition and I cannot risk it not being available.

I went through my list of WIC providers and realized that CVS is another location that I can use.  Since they are less than a mile from our house (closer than Meijer) and I am there weekly to pick up a few great deals, it seemed like a perfect fit.

I stopped by there last Thursday and asked the Pharmacist if they could order the formula and I could pay for it through WIC.  She said that they could get it and it would normally be there the next day, although sometimes it may take 2 days from the time I order depending on the time of day.  I was so excited.  I confirmed this with the Manager before leaving the store and waited for Jordan's Compleat to arrive!!

I went there Monday morning to score some deals and see if her food was in.  It was!!!  I proceeded to take it to the counter to check out and the girl behind the counter started to ring it up.  I had 2 cases of 24 cans and each had to be rung in individually so it took a while.  We started chatting and she told me that she had been on a g-tube for about 4 months several years before because she has Crohn's Disease.  It's always interesting to meet someone who has lived this and hear a bit about their story. 


I am so thankful to have started Jordan on this new food!  The transition takes 5 weeks to get her on it 100%.  If we transition too quickly, her body can reject the food and have some difficulty digesting it properly.  Yesterday we took out 30 ml of her mixture and replaced it with the Compleat.  Every 5 days we increase the Compleat and decrease the mixture. 

The cost of Pediasure and Boost seemed expensive...but Compleat is ridiculous!!!  Each 8.25 oz can is $4.18!!!  Once Jordan is on the full amount, she will use about 3 cans a day.  I am so glad that WIC is covering this expense for us!!