"Welcome to Holland" and my thoughts...

Welcome to Holland

by Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?!" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special lovely things ... about Holland.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved.



This is something I came across a few weeks ago when trying to learn more about Jordan's diagnosis of mild cerebral palsy. At first, it brought tears to my eyes because I can sometimes feel the "loss of that dream." But at the same time, I know that God has given me Jordan and I know that because of her "differences" and the adjustment of being in "Holland" is something that has forced me to trust in Him even more. Although Jordan's disabilities are minor and she will hopefully, if God's will, overcome many of the obstacles in her life, I still struggle with adjusting my dreams for her.

Derrick and I still talk of her being in the Olympics for gymnastics someday because she is so petite and flexible - but the reality is that she is extremely hypotonic (low tone) and may never have the ability to even participate in a sport that requires so much strength. I have read articles that explain that she will likely have difficulty with balance and coordination - she may never enjoy the sport of soccer that was my life for so many years! I may never get to cheer her on in the sport that I LOVE!!

I find that the dreams I had before Jordan was born, and even until her diagnosis, are still in my heart, but I have to adjust them with my head. But when I think about it, these are MY dreams. They are not the dreams of my daughter. Or Conner. Or Mak. Who am I to decide what my child should become? Who am I do decide what sports or activities they should pursue?

All I know is that God has blessed me with three beautiful children - all unique and special in their own way. He has called me to "train a child in the way he should go" (Proverbs 22:6a) and "bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4b). No where does the Bible tell me to make them into what I want them to be. Therefore, although I have landed in "Holland" with Jordan, the adjustment to this new place has brought a new perspective to raising all 3 of my children.

Although I know I fail everyday in parenting, I have God's grace to fall back on. When I lose my patience with Conner, I need to remember that God is patient with me. When I get angry at Mak, I need to remember how God exhibits self-control. When I feel sad at the difficulties Jordan faces, I need to remember that God is joyful. When I think I know what to do in a situation, I need to turn to His Word, pray, and follow his will. These children are His and I am simply on this earth to guide them in His way. I pray that I will view my parenting responsibility in this light, rather than projecting MY thoughts, ideas, goals, and dreams on them. God has made them who they are for a reason and I need to teach them to live out His will in their lives.